I feel things- intensely.
I have always been so sensitive to others. Always overthinking, over feeling and unable to understand why I would be so stuck on “things”, ideas and events that would happen in my life that just didn’t make sense to my perception and interpretation. To me, it just seemed pure madness. I was unable to move past illogical events. I take a long time to delve, exploring and trying to understand events/ people/ truths. It could be maddening- being trapped in my head.
I used to think this was a flaw. I was so slow in coming to terms with life. What did I do? Well I implemented strategies to process feedback, events, people faster in order to stop myself getting stuck in one train of thought or idea. I tried to match the pace of the world around me. When I could sense a divide in my understanding and the events unfolding around me, I buried my processing power and empathy and would try go “robot mode”. When to me it was illogical, or the message did not match what I was perceiving- this seemingly helped me move forward. I did this so I could move on and keep pace with the world.
Years of conditioning as a human growing up had turned into a super skill for me- I just failed to realise this for a long time that it was indeed that, a superpower. My ability to perceive danger, cut through noise of what a person is presenting and see the real human was something I had honed from a young age. I can understand how people are feeling truly and if their words match their internal dialogue. Maybe it is perception of their body language and shifts in temperament. Call it instinct, call it what you will. Like anything, it took practice and exposure to become finite and super in this skill. Yes, you must go through some trauma and learning to develop a heightened awareness and my story is no different. I moved from unconscious competence to consciously competent of my skill with no awareness that it was that- a skill.
Going through the ebbs and flows of life is that, life. What I thank God I realised is that if you bury your emotions and instinct, it will come back to bite you in the butt somehow. It may show up in other emotions and manifestations and you are best to deal and process the “crap” before it blows up in your face- or that of your loved ones. Crying and feeling, showing empathy is indeed a strength, not as I traditionally thought- a weakness.
I now love my empathy and truly try to show this in my whole demeanour and manner in life. It is challenging at times, especially when some people are just dicks. When I have not trusted my instinct and chosen to ignore my intuition, believing in the best nature of people, it has backfired. Meh. What holds me accountable is how I want to be remembered, how do I make people FEEL? Humans will remember the emotion you draw out in them but not necessarily the event or interaction. I want to leave a trail of warmth and care. If I am perceptive to the true feelings that a person might be experiencing, then I feel a responsibility to not deliberately make them feel like shit. The biggest challenge of all in this for me is deploying this same superpower of kindness to myself.
I am tough on myself. Overanalytical and judgemental, caring too much on how I come across in a world of faster/ stronger/ popular. My poor spirit.
The authentic me is free, laughs whole-heartedly and a little odd. I definitely like a slower pace of life and never used to have any cares to give about what anyone else thought of my passions, thoughts and fashion choices.
I am slowly finding her again; the over-sensitive, empathetic dope eternally playing dress-ups.
Writing helps, blogging my thoughts is powerful, speaking them out loud is the next challenge.
#NLC (Nats Levi Challenge) has helped me as much as it has helped my clients. The pillar of restoration and the practices involved to implement this habit in the challenge has been amazing for me too. The thought that goes into uncovering new tools for my participants has absolutely helped cut the noise from my own head and embrace my empathy.
I love being able to switch someone’s thinking from woe to Woah! Watching this transition, which comes down to the true strength that human has in order to face their demons and faith to trust me, is such a joy to be a part of.
My #NLC community has taught me so much.
Yes feeling it all is overwhelming and intense at times, but at the same time, I have never felt so calm. So at peace.
So, if empathy and sensitivity is my super power- what is yours? I would love to know.
Do you know?